To my youngest daughter, Erica,

Happy Birthday. It was a hot day in Grand Junction in 1979 when I woke up feeling a huge cramp in my belly – such a huge cramp that I couldn’t stand up or walk very well. You were on the way and got here pretty darn quickly.

It’s been a long time. I miss you. It tears me apart sometimes. I dream of you a lot and wish I would wake up and find out that you had decided to forgive me for all my imperfections as a single mom. It must have been painful for you – I was always running off to catch babies. I was often sleep-deprived and grumpy. I was fighting politics to stay in town so we could stay here for you to finish school. My workplace was toxic and the toxin leaked into our home and relationship – but I adored my connection to the community and somehow I thought we shared that. My perspective as an adult was different from yours as a teenager. I’m so sorry that I didn’t do a better job of meeting your needs.

IDK when we started to distance ourselves. Probably when I made a decision to follow my career – I divorced your dad and went to midwifery school. I always wanted to do my best for you and Steph. I’m sure I wasn’t the perfect parent and my family (through no fault of their own) was not there to support either of us. I wish I had watched Star Trek with you and done more to forge a stronger bond with you. But, I can’t go back, only forward. I am better at those things now due to all my work in positive psychology. I lost Mom early and had lost all of Mom’s family by the time you graduated. I was torn apart by that more than I ever let on or even realized. A little support could have gone a long way for both of us. Then, I lost you, too.

I know I have reached out – but there is never a reply. It hurts too much to keep trying. So, now I live my life focused on what helps my wellbeing. I know you know I rescue dogs – and so do you. I have an art business – we are both creatives. I believe you went back to school to nurture your creative writing talents. God, you were good. I loved the Wendy’s newsletter items you wrote. You are an independent woman and so gifted. I loved the white elephant/joke gifts at Christmas. I try to reflect on how we are not really that far apart. I know our few mutual family members would mention if anything happened to you – and I am glad every day that you are doing so well.

I think families are not unlike planets. We have gravity that pulls loved ones into us. Families are like solar systems – all the gravity keeps pulling people together. Some large families or communities are like galaxies – lots of gravity. As for me, I have very little gravity and there is so little reason for you to be drawn back into my life. I understand better than all the therapists on the planet. And, yet, I’ll never understand if we never speak, again. I want to understand so badly. But, this is how the Universe rolls.

I am so proud of you. If you ever find room in your heart for me, I wish you would reach out to me. My email is in the contact info on this site. It would mean the world to me! Positive psychology has given me tools to be a better person and I would like to give it another go with you in my life. My dogs would love to meet you!!! I am living in the same house we lived in together, where you graduated from high school. Your old bedroom is a cat room and nursery. I call it the Inspire Room because of a kitten named Inspire. It’s a good name for your old room. Happy birthday! I will always celebrate having you as a daughter.

I love you!