Dear Maia, Isaac, and Virtual Wanderers,

When does white noise change? We don’t notice if it drifts solely away. My 19-year-old kitty, Soks (short for Soksabai) would lay on the couch next to me (or in my spot) – the dogs were terrified to get up if she was too close to the top of their stairs because she clipped their noses a couple times for getting in her space. When was that? 1 month ago? 2 months ago? Not that long . . . But it’s gone. Then, she moved to the floor more. The dog teepee or my greyhuahua Cimarron’s bag. That was November, for sure. Now, she stays in the basement. In 25 days and a few hours, she will be gone forever. My heart is breaking. I wanted to do a blog for her.

Soksabai joined my family in March 2006. She was a young adult calico kitty who I rescued from the Montrose Animal Shelter during spring break from my teaching job at Colorado Mesa University. She was the only cat in the shelter that day and I wanted a companion for my other kitty, Serendipity – this was 7 years before I would consider owning a dog. Soksabai has been with me a long time.

Eighteen years of calico white noise. My heart cat in many ways. Such a dog-like cat, but still a cat. Dogs are less like white noise and more just noise. Cats are liquid. They pour into the background of photos. They pour into dog heaps. They pour into porch cupboards. They pour into boxes. They pour through your feet when you open the door. They pour into the garden. They pour into plant pots. They pour over your Kindle when you are watching a movie. They pour into our lives.

I’m not bonded to my remaining kitties like I am to Soks – because she always wanted to be part of things. I am not even sure I will have cats again after this bunch is all gone. But, Soks was always in the middle of things and that’s going to make this harder. I wish I’d paid more attention to the white noise over the years and the last few months – but I do have quite a few photos that remind me of her presence, always in the background. My yoga cat. With her final appointment made, I’m finding today a little nostalgic.

Soks began declining in the fall of 2021. I first noticed her coat was a mess – she had always been an immaculate groomer. She was also urinating in large amounts. She was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease, stage 2 at age 16. Her decline has been slow. She is my garden cat and would still come out to the garden with me in the summer. Less regularly by 2022 and not at all in 2023. She developed arthritis and has been treated with antinol and Adquan since July 2023. Initially, it put a little bounce back in her step. She was holding the renal failure at stage 2 at that point, but growing blind and deaf.

She started to decline in the fall – slowly being less social, and jumping up on the couch less. She stayed close until a month or two ago. She received a dose of Solensia two weeks ago today. By Saturday that week, I noticed she was ataxic and losing weight. I moved her food to be more accessible and watched her eat. By early the next week, I noticed she could no longer negotiate any solids into her mouth. She would only lick the juice from tuna and her favorite soft foods. I contacted the vet and she is on Hill’s ICU cat food blended with water and broth. She laps up small amounts several times a day with her churu treat. It is her time – next month I will say goodbye forever. I will add photos here as I find them. It was just on my mind to write something about her today . . . through my tears. We have been through so much together. There will never be another one like her. Yet, I love her enough to let her go and the thought of life without her is killing me at this moment.